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BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER
Dear Wife,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the £49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed £50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"

"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?"

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".

“That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"

"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

What deep thinkers men are...
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer.

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest replied, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together right now."

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on her door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes."

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He
will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the
worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;
and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by
his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Think before you speak...
> Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - The last one
> is great!
> Have you ever spoken and wi shed that you could Immediately take the words
> back...
> Or that you could crawl into a hole?
> Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
>
>
> FIRST TESTIMONY:
> I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
> and asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
> I turned around and walked back out and never went back.
> My husband didn't say a word... He knew better.
>
>
> SECOND TESTIMONY:
> I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf ******. I was
> unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
> several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who
> works at the store.
> He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
> 'I think I like playing with mens ******'
>
>
>
> THIRD TESTIMONY:
> My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
> variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case,
> the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
> I replied, 'No, I'm just lo oking at your nuts.'
> My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned
> beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
>
>
> FOURTH TESTIMONY :
> While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
> some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of
> her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
> I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be
> punished.
> To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
> threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I
> saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' The silence was deafening
> after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were
> doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank
> with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed
> behind me, were screams of laughter.
>
>
> FIFTH TESTIMONY:
> Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My th
> ree-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on
> him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in
> between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying
> my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my
> seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had
> not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he
> said 'No'. I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I
> don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you
> didn't have an accident?'
> 'No,' he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because
> the smell was getting worse. Soooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you
> have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, Bent
> over, spread his cheeks,
> And yelled, 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
> While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly
> pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel
> better,thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
>
>
> LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
> This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
> embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
> before she speaks.
> What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? We had a female news
> anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
> turned to the weatherman and asked:
> 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
>
>> Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they
> were laughing so hard!

Ear Infection

They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.


There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.


A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'


'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.


The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '


'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.


The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'


The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.


The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'


'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.


The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'


'I can't P**S out of it,' he replied.   

A chap walks into a pub, up to the bar and says, "Can I have three pints of Guinness please?"

The bartender looks around and can't see any companions, which he thinks is a bit odd for someone rodering the round. Nevertheless, he pours him three pints and the chap proceeds to take a sip of one, then the other, then the third until they're drunk. After this, he heads off home.

A week later, the same thing happens again. Chap comes in, orders 3 pints, drinks them all and then leaves. This carries on for a few months until one day the barman finally asks: "Why do you order three at a time? It would be no problem for me to bring you a fresh beer just before you finish the previous one."

"Ah!", the man says, "It's a tradition. I have two brothers and we all left home at the same time. We made a promise to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together in spirit."

"That's nice", said the barman, served the man his three pints and went back to tending bar.

A few weeks later, the man walked in, came up to the bar and said "Two pints of Guinness, please". The barman is a bit taken aback by this but serves the man his beer.

A few minutes later, the barman slowly approaches the man and says, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry for your loss."

"My loss? I don't understand.", the man replies.

"Well, you're only drinking two pints, I assumed one of your brothers must have passed away".

"Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

Just got back from the doctor.
He said, "I can't find anything wrong,
it must be the drink."
I said, " OK, I'll come back when you're sober.!" LOL haahahahaha

Police have searched Cliff Richards house today and so far they have found a living doll, a devil woman and Unable to interview him as he's on his summer holiday ! We Have also verified Carrie doesn't live there anymore ! I also know his house is wired for sound.   

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:

Husband :-I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.
Inspector :-What is her height?
Husband :-I never checked.
Inspector :-Slim or healthy?.
Husband :-Not slim, can be healthy.
Inspector :-Color of eyes?
Husband :-Never noticed.
Inspector :-Color of hair?
Husband :-Changes according to season.
Inspector :-What was she wearing?
Husband :-Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.
Inspector :-Was she driving?
Husband :-yes.
Inspector :-Color of the car? . . . . .
Husband :-black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door ............. and then the husband started crying …
Inspector:-Don't worry sir,.....We will find your car.